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This is from Nextdraft. I'd

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This is from Nextdraft. I’d like to simply link to it, but there’s no easy way to link to a specific story on Nextdraft, so I’m reprinting it here.

Dear England,

How’s Madonna?

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. First, I’d like to say that it was unfortunate we had to part ways under a certain amount of duress. I suppose every parent and child goes through the pain of separation, it just so happened we introduced cannonballs into the mix. While I found your strategy regarding my allowance to be totally unworkable, I will admit that the tea incident could be interpreted as me acting out. You’ll be relieved to know I’ve since switched over to coffee (you likely know my colleagues at Starbucks as I believe they now have a seat at the U.N.).

It wasn’t just your manipulation of my allowance, of course. It was also the uptight attitude—the way you wanted to name everything after yourself (New England, New York, New Jersey?—hopefully you learned your lesson with the New Economy). And what about those ridiculous gray wigs that had everyone in my region poking fun. As you can see, I’ve come up with my own look that is more, well, me.


I admit you were right about my temper tantrums and quick decisions to resort to violence. You’ll be happy to know that through a steady diet of daytime television, anti-depressants and carpet bombing I’ve managed to repress my anger.

It’s true that I did a bit of damage to my mother's tongue (iambic pentameter was so limiting, I always found I could say anything I needed to in two syllables). You’ll be happy to know I am back on the right track in terms of verse (I’m sure you’ve heard of Dr. Dre) and in terms of language (I took your induction of the word "doh" into the OED as a welcome gesture).

You have to admit (and as you can imagine, when I say you have to admit, I really mean you "have" to admit), that I have come into my own and turned out pretty well. I’m sure it can be painful to see your child have more immediate influence on behavior than you do (Hugh Grant), but I think I’ve earned some of what I’ve got. For example, I came up with this little thing called dentistry. Plus, no me, no Oprah.

Anyway, don’t get me going. I think enough time has gone by that we should put our past to rest. What do you say I give you Regis and we call it a wash?



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