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The Pumpkin Talks Back
November 6, 2026
A kid in a dinosaur costume stopped at the yard, looked up at the burning pumpkin head eight feet above her, and asked whether it was real.
"Yes I am, little Dinosaur."
She looked at her father like she’d just found out magic was real.
Every Halloween there’s a scarecrow in my front yard with a jack-o'-lantern for a head. Inside the head is a propane-powered flamethrower, which gives the pumpkin a three-foot flaming hairdo. It’s a good effect. People slow down for it. But burning is all it does, and it does that the same way whether anyone is there or not.
This year I gave it eyes, ears, and a mouth.
What it does
The pumpkin notices you when you walk up. It looks you over, forms an opinion about your costume, and tells you that opinion whether you asked or not.
It is not a friendly pumpkin. It believes it’s a very important vegetable, awake for exactly one night a year, and that none of you are worth its time, though it’s nice to have visitors. It dismisses a lot of costumes as "store bought." An adult who didn’t dress up gets "I...




